I sit her tonite wasting time because I am not ready for bed. I feel so very unsettled and just feel like a need to scream. Its that feeling that you need something but you just can't figure it out. I keep saying to myself your in pain having allergies it will be ok. Ok yes my knee is killing me, and allergies eh that's a life long process.
So I keep wondering what has gotten to me that I feel so pent up so useless! So I go to that great group of skills I know and usually remember to use my fall back just distract if it isn't a big deal changing your focus can be helpful. Well nope in this case this is the opposite of helpful it actually makes me feel even more detached. So I think ok lets focus on using some wise mind stuff:
facts emotions
my knee needs attention anxiety because I can't fix it
a bit of jitters I suppose that is anxiety
Pain anxiety again
helpless
useless
unfocused
My knee keeps swelling same as above
I don't have insurance I can't give my knee attent helpless
stupid (this is really a judgement)
useless
So what is my wise mind about my knee take what you can for your knee Tylenol ibuprofen and call the doctor you will be applying for assistance as soon as you can so accept that and if you need to call before hand and explain maybe they will see you anyway, I don't know unless I ask right. Ok really I knew this answer but writing is helps at least I see some of the feelings and I can help them by reminding myself that I have an answer and a plan I might have to wait but I can ask. The helpless and useless feelings are also connected to another issue I think they just always are attached to the knee. Those I know come from my knee keeping me from working. I am working on my business and working hard I think. But I can't go out and work I have just started my business and I am not doing something right as it is not working out so I feel useless and helpless because I can't just say ok this has to be a hobby and go out to get a job because for real sitting here and typing with my leg elevated it hurts and taking a shower my leg turns purple and my back hurts etc to long to go into it all. So yes that is another source of the helpless and useless feelings.
So what else is going on right now
I keep thinking about my last therapist (omg a therapist) yes I saw a therapist and I liked her and we were getting along wonderfully until we weren't. That sounds silly and I don't know how to put this one in a fact emotion column but I will try to say the facts. I loved her not in a I love you way but she was great a wonderful person really clicked most the time way, emotions a huge void unloved unworthy deserted (funny I left her), She was with me through some really difficult times she helped when my last therapist left and she helped me alot after I got hurt, emotions again a void guilt, anger, hate. She seemed to change at least I perceived this, granted I had alot going on but I began to not feel consistency from her and that made me have a need for distance, emotions seriously abandoned, unloved, unwanted, unheard, anger, love, fear, a void. I finally decided that I needed to leave and I could not bring myself to see her for a goodbye session, emotions anger, I don't know the feeling but she is stuck in my head like I need to speak my feelings I need to see her I want to say do you know how much it hurt me that you said xyz, or that you seemed to purposely ignore what was really going on for me. Finally the fact that is getting to me is what I just spoke she is constantly in my head. I hear her I know she is awesome I know she is a wonderful person, and I know she cares. I wonder if I hurt her as I feel hurt by the situation probably not eh a professional doesn't usually have the same connection. But even though she didn't hold the same alternative beliefs I did or for some reason didn't share in my need to bring my creativity to a larger audience by starting a business. She was good for me in other ways she helped me to see what I did not see she helped me alot with my comfort around men and if my life hadn't been derailed then I probably would have finished that work and been working on some other things that were important but not front and center. She also was bad for me after I got hurt she said things that were very hurtful,she was not supportive of getting help and would not send in requested information (even though it was the deciding factor on getting long term disability from my job) she was very negative about the lawsuit even when I spoke about how it felt necessary for me to have an equal say in what was happening and not to just let a bunch of people in monkey suits decide my fait, I needed to feel that strength in this. She didn't agree or even hear what I felt about it it was not something I had to do so it shouldn't be hard. Ok sure I didn't need to seek out help for an injury that happened while working that really was nothing prior to that time, I was healthy and changing and working on me, so I could decide to not do it if I so chose. I didn't see it that way, I saw it as I needed to do what I could to be ok financially even if it didn't add up in the end. I could have walked away but I needed to stand my ground in that, and I needed support I needed someone to help me find ways to get through that rain storm without drowning, I didn't need to be told it was a choice so deal with it, I needed to feel support not be told I will not collude with you what does that even mean I wasn't asking her to help me cheat at monopoly or whatever else you might collude with someone about. I wasn't asking her to say poor is you it must be so difficult to deal with your lawsuit and to have to see a psychiatrist who you don't know and give them your history, which isn't easy. I needed in those moments strategy and strength and a way to step through it all ok. I didn't need someone to say to me after the lawsuit was close to over that they had no idea how hard the lawsuit was for me. HOLY SHIT WERE YOU LISTENING TO A WORD I SAID DURING THE ENTIRE TIME! I really wanted to say that instead I just say yes I spoke about it alot and how hard it was and we didn't seem to address that and then to be told again well you got alot of money NO I DIDN"T WEREN"T YOU LISTENING WHEN MY LAWYER CALLED YOU TO ASK YOU TO TAKE A SMALLER AMOUNT BECAUSE THE SETTLEMENT WAS CONSIDERABLY SMALLER THAN WE HOPED EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON BUSINESS WHATEVER DID THEY ALL TOOK JUST A FRACTION OF THE AMOUNT, OH AND WHILE I AM YELLING DID YOU KNOW I DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY A COPAY I HAVE BEEN PAYING YOU MONEY ON A COPAY ALL ALONG AND YOU WOULDNT TAKE LESS I AM ANGRY ABOUT THAT. I guess not because I had to explain to her how it all happened even though this had already happened. I have other things about her that pop in my head about her and our time together and I wish I could see her and talk with her and that I could do it effectively but I think there is alot going on inside me about her that would not be helped by one meeting. And I do not think I could see her regularly just to deal with what happened in our relationship that is way to exhausting. The emotions are strong in fact I have become light headed and had a physical reaction to just writing this, I go from love and good feelings about everything I write to a negative anger and distrust and feeling unwanted unloved and unworthy in just about a second. I suppose that can't change! Although that really isn't wise mind speaking my wise mind keeps asking me to tell myself I did what I could and not to keep it inside me, so I guess tonite I listened to my wise mind I put it outside of me. I didn't get to the nitty gritty so to speak because the relationship had many many weird things happen and weird statements but I think I said enough my wise mind tells me that I need to consider a new therapist and I need to do so as soon as I possibly can. My wise mind wants a time frame although I don't know when, well lets put down something then shall we. I can apply for insurance Oct 1 and my first priority has to be the pain and my knee, and then mental health should follow those will be my priorities.
I have a few more things that are bubbling inside me like suicide yes I said it and it is true I am not a steal pipe I do bend and my steal is weakening. What keeps me at bay my dog I love him, and family I don't want them to hurt on purpose. But really it isn't about them even in thinking about my death I think about how it will affect others I need to put myself first and really look at that some more. No worries I will go no further into that topic but yes it is in my cauldron and sometimes I contemplate what would look like an accident. Alas I must stop talking on this topic my wise mind tells me that this small paragraph could have consequences.
Also in my mind mix is my business now that is a topic I will handle on my blog about my store it would really not fit with this spilling of emotion and guts. But I will share that starting a business can leave you feeling scared and alone and unsure, and maybe unworthy of success, and worst of all a failure, all big DOUBT. What if what if what if that's what a business does. But I imagine it to have its upside I have seen and read and done alot of homework on business small and large who have been nothing and became a pretty big deal. So I need to hold onto that right, Right!
Ok so lets recap I have my knee, pain in the knee back sacral lumbar and thoracic, my old therapist is constantly in my mind, my steal is bending, and I have business doubts. My wise mind has spoken I will be more proactive I will call my knee doctor and get insurance if I can as soon as oct 1 comes around. I will make sure I find a therapist, and see my knee doctor and also a pain doctor if need be. Oh and for health my wise mind is telling me to deal with my diabetes issue. I dont know what my wise mind has decided about my business but I do know that if you love something should you desert it I don't think so. I imagine that as I said that I was sailing away on a kite flying away to figure out the answer. That sounds silly but that is what it sounded like in my head someone who is fleeing or leaving and answering you at the same time. I know this is long and probably a boring read I am sure of that but hey its my blog its all my journey even if my journey is missing a whole book because I haven't visited the physical writing about it in a long time its still mine and I am a woman and I should discover my feelings, truth or craziness however I want it can't be any worse than the stuff I see from some males.
So for now I think I will bring this crazy zany chapter to an end I haven't fixed my problem but it helps I have said them and written them and have what I think is a nice wise mind formed from both emotion and fact. My wise mind I realized is much based on fact and little on emotion. So I want to conclude with a little thought to my emotional side you are not unloved or unworthy or useless or hopeless and you might have anger and hate and sadness, love and fondness all wiggling around inside you and that is ok heck I think that most of those are normal its normal to have alot of feelings about things all at the same time but you should know that you are woth the time and effort to make the physical better because if you don't have the physical piece of you then how on earth will you find another therapist to help you with that cauldron of crazy mixed up emotions ( pssst you are not crazy it just feels a bit out of control :)_ love yourself and keep to your wise mind about insurance and doctors etc and don't forget that there are emotions and thats ok!
Good night to all the mighty women out there learning to live and love again
