Have you ever just felt trapped?

I sit her tonite wasting time because I am not ready for bed. I feel so very unsettled and just feel like a need to scream.  Its that feeling that you need something but you just can't figure it out.  I keep saying to myself your in pain having allergies it will be ok.  Ok yes my knee is killing me, and allergies eh that's a life long process.

So I keep wondering what has gotten to me that I feel so pent up so useless! So I go to that great group of skills I know and usually remember to use my fall back just distract if it isn't a big deal changing your focus can be helpful. Well nope in this case this is the opposite of helpful it actually makes me feel even more detached.  So I think ok lets focus on using some wise mind stuff:

facts                                                                                  emotions
my knee needs attention                                                     anxiety because I can't fix it
                                                                                        a bit of jitters I suppose that is                                                                                                     anxiety

Pain                                                                                  anxiety again
                                                                                         helpless
                                                                                         useless
                                                                                         unfocused

My knee keeps swelling                                                       same as above

I don't have insurance I can't give my knee attent                   helpless
                                                                                          stupid (this is really a judgement)
                                                                                          useless

So what is my wise mind about my knee take what you can for your knee Tylenol ibuprofen and call the doctor you will be applying for assistance as soon as you can so accept that and if you need to call before hand and explain maybe they will see you anyway, I don't know unless I ask right.  Ok really I knew this answer but writing is helps at least I see some of the feelings and I can help them by reminding myself that I have an answer and a plan I might have to wait but I can ask.  The helpless and useless feelings are also connected to another issue I think they just always are attached to the knee.  Those I know come from my knee keeping me from working.  I am working on my business and working hard I think.  But I can't go out and work I have just started my business and I am not doing something right as it is not working out so I feel useless and helpless because I can't just say ok this has to be a hobby and go out to get a job because for real sitting here and typing with my leg elevated it hurts and taking a shower my leg turns purple and my back hurts etc to long to go into it all. So yes that is another source of the helpless and useless feelings.

So what else is going on right now

I keep thinking about my last therapist (omg a therapist) yes I saw a therapist and I liked her and we were getting along wonderfully until we weren't.  That sounds silly and I don't know how to put this one in a fact emotion column but I will try to say the facts.  I loved her not in a I love you way but she was great a wonderful person really clicked most the time way, emotions a huge void unloved unworthy deserted (funny I left her), She was with me through some really difficult times she helped when my last therapist left and she helped me alot after I got hurt, emotions again a void guilt, anger, hate.  She seemed to change at least I perceived this, granted I had alot going on but I began to not feel consistency from her and that made me have a need for distance, emotions seriously abandoned, unloved, unwanted, unheard, anger, love, fear, a void.  I finally decided that I needed to leave and I could not bring myself to see her for a goodbye session, emotions anger, I don't know the feeling but she is stuck in my head like I need to speak my feelings I need to see her I want to say do you know how much it hurt me that you said xyz, or that you seemed to purposely ignore what was really going on for me.  Finally the fact that is getting to me is what I just spoke she is constantly in my head.  I hear her I know she is awesome I know she is a wonderful person, and I know she cares.  I wonder if I hurt her as I feel hurt by the situation probably not eh a professional doesn't usually have the same connection.  But even though she didn't hold the same alternative beliefs I did or for some reason didn't share in my need to bring my creativity to a larger audience by starting a business. She was good for me in other ways she helped me to see what I did not see she helped me alot with my comfort around men and if my life hadn't been derailed then I probably would have finished that work and been working on some other things that were important but not front and center.  She also was bad for me after I got hurt she said things that were very hurtful,she was not supportive of getting help and would not send in requested information (even though it was the deciding factor on getting long term disability from my job) she was very negative about the lawsuit even when I spoke about how it felt necessary for me to have an equal say in what was happening and not to just let a bunch of people in monkey suits decide my fait, I needed to feel that strength in this.  She didn't agree or even hear what I felt about it it was not something I had to do so it shouldn't be hard.  Ok sure I didn't need to seek out help for an injury that happened while working that really was nothing prior to that time, I was healthy and changing and working on me, so I could decide to not do  it if I so chose.  I didn't see it that way, I saw it as I needed to do what I could to be ok financially even if it didn't add up in the end.  I could have walked away but I needed to stand my ground in that, and I needed support I needed someone to help me find ways to get through that rain storm without drowning, I didn't need to be told it was a choice so deal with it, I needed to feel support not be told I will not collude with you what does that even mean I wasn't asking her to help me cheat at monopoly or whatever else you might collude with someone about.  I wasn't asking her to say poor is you it must be so difficult to deal with your lawsuit and to have to see a psychiatrist who you don't know and give them your history, which isn't easy.  I needed in those moments strategy and strength and a way to step through it all ok.  I didn't need someone to say to me after the lawsuit was close to over that they had no idea how hard the lawsuit was for me. HOLY SHIT WERE YOU LISTENING TO A WORD I SAID DURING THE ENTIRE TIME!  I really wanted to say that instead I just say yes I spoke about it alot and how hard it was and we didn't seem to address that and then to be told again well you got alot of money NO I DIDN"T WEREN"T YOU LISTENING WHEN MY LAWYER CALLED YOU TO ASK YOU TO TAKE A SMALLER AMOUNT BECAUSE THE SETTLEMENT WAS CONSIDERABLY SMALLER THAN WE HOPED EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON BUSINESS WHATEVER DID THEY ALL TOOK JUST A FRACTION OF THE AMOUNT, OH AND WHILE I AM YELLING DID YOU KNOW I DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY A COPAY I HAVE BEEN PAYING YOU MONEY ON A COPAY ALL ALONG AND YOU WOULDNT TAKE LESS I AM ANGRY ABOUT THAT. I guess not because I had to explain to her how it all happened even though this had already happened. I have other things about her that pop in my head about her and our time together and I wish I could see her and talk with her and that I could do it effectively but I think there is alot going on inside me about her that would not be helped by one meeting.  And I do not think I could see her regularly just to deal with what happened in our relationship that is way to exhausting.  The emotions are strong in fact I have become light headed and had a physical reaction to just writing this, I go from love and good feelings about everything I write to a negative anger and distrust and feeling unwanted unloved and unworthy in just about a second.  I suppose that can't change! Although that really isn't wise mind speaking my wise mind keeps asking me to tell myself I did what I could and not to keep it inside me, so I guess tonite I listened to my wise mind I put it outside of me.  I didn't get to the nitty gritty so to speak because the relationship had many many weird things happen and weird statements but I think I said enough my wise mind tells me that I need to consider a new therapist and I need to do so as soon as I possibly can.  My wise mind wants a time frame although I don't know when, well lets put down something then shall we.  I can apply for insurance Oct 1 and my first priority has to be the pain and my knee, and then mental health should follow those will be my priorities.

I have a few more things that are bubbling inside me like suicide yes I said it and it is true I am not a steal pipe I do bend and my steal is weakening.  What keeps me at bay my dog I love him, and family I don't want them to hurt on purpose. But really it isn't about them even in thinking about my death I think about how it will affect others I need to put myself first and really look at that some more. No worries I will go no further into that topic but yes it is in my cauldron and sometimes I contemplate what would look like an accident.  Alas I must stop talking on this topic my wise mind tells me that this small paragraph could have consequences.

Also in my mind mix is my business now that is a topic I will handle on my blog about my store it would really not fit with this spilling of emotion and guts. But I will share that starting a business can leave you feeling scared and alone and unsure, and maybe unworthy of success, and worst of all a failure, all big DOUBT. What if what if what if that's what a business does.  But I imagine it to have its upside I have seen and read and done alot of homework on business small and large who have been nothing and became a pretty big deal. So I need to hold onto that right, Right!

Ok so lets recap I have my knee, pain in the knee back sacral lumbar and thoracic, my old therapist is constantly in my mind, my steal is bending, and I have business doubts.  My wise mind has spoken I will be more proactive I will call my knee doctor and get insurance if I can as soon as oct 1 comes around.  I will make sure I find a therapist, and see my knee doctor and also a pain doctor if need be. Oh and for health my wise mind is telling me to deal with my diabetes issue.  I dont know what my wise mind has decided about my business but I do know that if you love something should you desert it I don't think so. I imagine that as I said that I was sailing away on a kite flying away to figure out the answer.  That sounds silly but that is what it sounded like in my head someone who is fleeing or leaving and answering you at the same time.  I know this is long and probably a boring read I am sure of that but hey its my blog its all my journey even if my journey is missing a whole book because I haven't visited the physical writing about it in a long time its still mine and I am a woman and I should discover my feelings, truth or craziness however I want it can't be any worse than the stuff I see from some males.

So  for now I think I will bring this crazy zany chapter to an end I haven't fixed my problem but it helps I have said them and written them and have what I think is a nice wise mind formed from both emotion and fact.  My wise mind I realized is much based on fact and little on emotion.  So I want to conclude with a little thought to my emotional side you are not unloved or unworthy or useless or hopeless and you might have anger and hate and sadness, love and fondness all wiggling around inside you and that is ok heck I think that most of those are normal its normal to have alot of feelings about things all at the same time but you should know that you are woth the time and effort to make the physical better because if you don't have the physical piece of you then how on earth will you find another therapist to help you with that cauldron of crazy mixed up emotions ( pssst you are not crazy it just feels a bit out of control :)_ love yourself and keep to your wise mind about insurance and doctors etc and don't forget that there are emotions and thats ok!

Good night to all the mighty women out there learning to live and love again

Posting more Frequently

I am going to make some changes in how I post had simply been posting only when I felt like it but I think I am going to make a commitment to posting here more frequently.  My purpose in this is two fold I think that maybe if I share more of my experience with change then maybe others will be inspired and also it will help me to get it outside me and I often process information in written form so if you are a follower (granted I don't know that there are many if any followers yet) then look forward to me being a bit more active.  I intend to post not only about loving myself just to let you know of course my life right now is about learning this but I might just add in some things I am working on outside of self improvement!  I hope you find these changes to be helpful!

Why is change hard

So I have been working on change and at the same time accepting myself for who I am in this moment.  I have to admit I am finding this intensely hard!  I have heard that a habit takes 21 days to become ingrained in us I have to say I think that is bunk really if it took 21 days I would be changed already.  I must admit I don't entirely hate who I am.  I have made progress I have been working on changing my continuous negative voice that I hear running through my head. This in my opinion is progress after all I would still be in a place of deep hate if I hadn't realized that I had this draining internal dialog going on.  What is your internal dialogue sound like, what is it telling you? It is sort of embarrassing but I realized my internal negative dialogue during a moment of intimacy, I won't say anymore on that.  But needless to say it made me realize that no matter the situation even one that should be pleasurable I had a little evil voice telling me I was nothing and that I was flawed.

Well I realize I am flawed that makes me who I am.  Also I realize now that if I tell that dialogue to shut the hell up that I am worth something and I am a good person it in fact changes how I approach life.  I have been working on making my schedule as I said in my last post although I am struggling with this who knew it was hard to have a schedule when you haven't had one in such a long time. But I want to share that I have accomplished some things, I have worked on my children's book I am writing for my nephew (even though secretly I think it is way to long for my younger nephew, it might be more appropriate for a little bit older age), I have worked on my book or article or series of articles that I have been wanting to write about my experience with my knee and my perspective of being a medical professional experiencing the field from the other side, I have also done some sewing I have sewn two rag dolls complete with dresses and hair ties, I have also mostly finished a reversible skirt that will be my first sample for the web site/business I eventually want to start.

My take home message is if you are working on learning to love yourself listen to your internal dialogue, hear it and challenge it if you discover that it is getting in your way! Also don't beat yourself up if you can't accomplish something take small steps of course sometimes we have deadlines but if your goals or things you are working on to improve yourself are just an organic thing then small steps are perfectly ok and let me just say don't judge the steps you do take, even a small step is important!


Another thought that just popped into my head remember my page of activities well I have decided how I plan on working out the painting I suggested painting.  My painting I think will have no rhyme or reason it will be somewhat of a painting that if you remember Alice falling through the rabbit hole well that is sort of how I view my painting.  It will be full of strange things put together in configurations that are a bit odd, I think this idea makes me feel pretty happy I think that this idea is full of potential and will create a great flow when I am painting.  So even though I started working on the painting with a very structured idea I think I will change up my idea and as I am painting I will think of the scene of Alice falling down the rabbit hole.  What do you all think about that idea!

I was given this!

I heard something today that sort of resonates for me.  A girl on MTV (yes I watched MTV) true life there was a girl who has touretts and her condition is pretty severe, but she had learned to deal with it seemingly well.  She has a support system of great friends and family and she is able to laugh with people about her condition. This resonated with me b/c I haven't yet figured out how to deal with my change. And perhaps its not just about learning its about doing its about choosing a mind set and sticking with it.  Like if I decide I will succeed in oh for instance a clothing business and a small writing career then keeping positive about the process and stopping negative thinking might indeed be helpful.  I think my therapist has been trying to tell me this, but it took a teenager on tv for me to understand. That it isn't that you have a disorder its how you choose to deal with it!  So how do I choose to deal, I choose to move forward and remember my inner strength and that I am worth it regardless of my previous notion of who I am, I am still a person an important person at that, and I deserve to succeed and have love and anything I want in my life.  My life has not ended b/c of my injury, and even if this injury continues and never subsides then I still am worth all those things.  So I say to you all what is it that you have to deal with and how can you choose to live with it.  ( I suppose you could tell me negative things you can do to cope but I don't think that is helpful so please don't post if you only have negative responses as this is about discovery).  I vow that I will repeat to myself that I am a strong woman that regardless of my injury I still deserve to live and live as I choose, and that I can be successful just in a different way.  What do you say?

Struggles

All I can say is OMG learning new ways is so hard!  I wish a magic wand existed to make the things I want to happen, happen.  I mean wouldn't it be wonderful if it wasn't hard to achieve the things that we perceive we want?  What makes it such a challenge to take the leap and force change? What is that hidden piece that stops us from moving on?  I don't have the answers to these questions yet, in fact I'm still working on them! I thought that maybe posting here that it was a struggle would make it more real and concrete.  Maybe I am not the only one who struggles with change.  Even when it seems like it should be easy.  I said that I needed to make a schedule for myself and so far I have been unsuccessful in this I have made steps though like I have painted and I have done some sewing I just haven't achieved these things how I imagine that I want them.  I know a schedule is good for me and I plan to explore what it is that is getting in my way.  I think I have some issues that are stuck inside and I haven't figured out yet, and for me I think that some of these issues have to do with my resistance to having to work within new limits.  I afterall, didn't have any limits before this injury.  I was free to do life as I wanted and had nothing getting in my way.  So I am sure this has something to do with it, but that can't be everything and how on earth do you jump over that hurdle I mean that isn't a small hurdle it is rather large to take in that you have to make concessions and do things differently or even in ways that you do not really want to.  So my work now includes learning what is getting in my way.  I will keep you posted on how things are going with this issue.  My painting from the activities page is in the works, and I have to work more on my schedule so I can achieve the things I want.  I have made the smallest start by acknowledging what it is I am doing right and trying not to judge what it is I am doing wrong. So hopefully things will pick up although I have to promise myself and you all that I will not judge myself harshly if I do not live up to my own expectations things will happen and I must allow them to unfold and not judge my progress.  I am ok as I am, things could be better and I can change but I am ok as I am.  I think that statement feels nonjudgmental maybe!

Well good luck to those of you who are in the process of working on change!  What changes are you working on I am open to dialog about this issue I think that healing and change for women can often occur with support doing it alone is hard.  That is part of the reason I started this blog to have a place women can share and get support and not struggle with learning self love by themself.  So if you have somethings you are working on please share and hopefully we can all learn together!

Cheers

Another Realization!

Today I had therapy, and we discussed some pretty important stuff, which relates to my blog here so I am going to share with everyone a little bit about what we discussed and what I have decided as a result of our session.  Today we discussed how important it was to me before my injury to be healthy mind, body and spirit but it seems I have let go of that element since my injury as if it no longer matters.  But recently I went to the doctor because I had an insane resting heart rate well over 100 sometimes upwards of 120 which if you know nothing about what a resting heart rate should be just know that it should never ever be that high! Well of course since I have been hurt I have gained weight because as I said I gave up my mind, body and spirit connection because it felt like am impossible thing to maintain after I was injured so yes I have gained weight because of a combination of my letting go of my essentials that I liked to keep in my life, medications and of course the situation of being hurt and unable to exercise as I once did.  So my doctor tries to encourage weight lose as any doctor would but I at the time shrugged it off as of course I have gained weight and my sarcasm came into play saying internally to myself don't you think I know I am fat and that I should work on this I don't need to constantly be reminded of this. 


 My therapist suggested to me that my sarcasm about the issue seems to be more of myself putting myself down and/or criticism as well as me being extremely harsh and judgmental of myself instead of taking the stance that I once did of health and a connection between my mind, body and spirit. ( I promise I am going somewhere with all this explanation). My therapist asked me about my reluctance to eating more frequent smaller meals (because I used to do this it wasn't an easy thing for me to do but I worked hard at doing it, I was by no means perfect but I worked hard at it) and I discovered that my reluctance is rooted in a few things. The first was my judgement that because I was no longer working and making a difference I no longer deserved to be accepted as a person I think I viewed myself as subhuman and just not worth taking the time to put the energy into my push to have a mind, body, spirit connection, I mean after all, if you don't see purpose or even view yourself as a person then who cares what you look like or what happens to you right?  Apparently this is false, because as we have been learning we are still worthy women even if we have an earthquake that destroys your life as you know it, you/I are still humans who deserve even more so to now have gentleness and acceptance without judgement and a push to in my case a balance between the mind, body and spirit.  My second thing keeping me from eating as I should is I have adapted an off the wall schedule, I sleep late, stay up all night long and seem to never be able to achieve anything that I want to and this includes eating, I would eat maybe one time and by then of course my metabolism was in the trash can.  So I had created a horrible cycle of judging myself, and a schedule that absolutely did not allow any balance in any area of my life.  


In therapy today we also talked about the things in my life that I really want to work on right now.  For example, I love to create and I really want to get a website going to sell clothing that are created by my mother and myself and I would really love to have this be successful as I can't express how creating makes me feel, it seems to help with both filling my spirit with happiness and speaks to my mind in albeit different ways than being an Occupational Therapist does but the stimulation that my mind gets from creation is still phenomenal and always has room for research and more learning. I also have this blog which is important to me because I want to love myself for myself and not because of what I have achieved and this blog I really feel can help me and hopefully others to begin to explore this. I also have a couple other things that I am becoming passionate about and want to include them in my life in a healthy way that allows for my other endeavors, I would love to finish my children's book I am writing for my nephew and illustrate it, I want to write a book for therapist to help them understand what it is like being on the flip side and how the reactions of therapists can empower or derail a patients progress ( I have other things I want to include in this book or article but I really think I am in a unique position to make a difference for other therapists),  I also have started a blog that is for sewing and I want to be more dedicated to this.  


So all of these things are great its great that I am dreaming and that I have things that bring me joy in my life but if I don't make changes these things are never going to happen.  So I realized that when I did work I didn't really have a perfect balance going on in my life but I was able to work at it because my schedule allowed me to do so.  So I have decided that even though in the past I have pretty much told my therapist she is nuts that  I do not need structure in my life that I will do fine without it, but really that is just me allowing myself to hate myself and giving me an excuse to judge me.  So I have decided that my next step toward loving myself and creating a loving balance in my life is to have a schedule.  I am not fond of having a schedule buttttt I am going to make myself maybe even force myself to treat the things I want to do as a job.  So this means a drastic change in how I am approaching my day.  I know this is going to be hard for me but since I have learned or realized that creation whether that is sewing, beading or painting helps me to have a balance that helps me love myself I am willing to take  these steps.  No matter how painful they may be in the beginning.


Do you know what fuels you or what things help you create a balance in your life whether that is a mind, body , spirit connection or something else?  If you don't or haven't discovered something that fuels you and helps you to love you maybe now is the time to start experimenting with different things.  Pick something and force yourself to explore so that you find something that helps you begin to love yourself and helps you to take the judgement out your life view of who you are and moves you into a place of self love.  If you already know what fuels you than that is awesome as I said it is great to know what fuels you , but I imagine if you already know what is fueling for you, time never seems to allow for you do engage in this activity or whatever it might be, so I suggest that we all force ourselves to schedule time and make ourselves do what is fueling and creates an internal self love. This of course isn't the answer to self love but I think its a start.  Taking time to look at yourself and do for yourself is I think an important step.  So girls take out your schedules if you have one and if you don't then make one and pen in time to do whatever it is that fuels you or even explore new and different things each time.  Now my situation is unique as I have alot of time to explore all the different things I talked about above and I am sure most people don't have the same situation as I do but if you are in a place where you are unable to engage in activity as you did or are off work for some reason, then I suggest starting with a simple schedule DO NOT overwhelm yourself and create a feeling of hate toward an activity that is pleasing or loving.  For example I plan on starting with altering my sleep/wake schedule, and for now working on samples for the website I want to start. As I get used to it I will add new things in and will eventually be able to have all the things I want in my schedule but I think its important to realize we can't change a lifetime of negative learning and judgments by forcing something unachievable, that will just spur on more judgement and would defeat the purpose.  So I say have fun with this and let me know how it goes and maybe share with me the activities you explore I would love to try new things as time permits.




Have a Loving day and give ourself permission to not be perfect!

What Makes for a Strong Woman?

I have been thinking about that question alot lately!  See in my list of how I view myself I added that I felt weak, not something I have really ever thought about myself.  I think that if you look at society what types of women do we think are strong, names that come to my mind are; Joan or arc, Jane Austen (for historical women), or even Mother Theresa, and Rosa Parks,  some modern women Mya Angelo,  Hilary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Opera Winfrey,  (I am a scientist by trade so) Marie Curie, I also find SARK to be a very strong woman, also Georgia O' Keefe.  What theme I notice between all of these women they are noted for what they did they are famous for doing but I wonder would Marie Curie have been so successful in her scientific work on radioactivity if she wasn't sure in who she was as a person.  I like to use SARK as an example I love her books she is a survivor and is constantly in her work reforming and discovering who she is, so even though she is firm in who she is she is completely open about her transformations and that her work is not what she is nor does it define her, she is always speaking of her relationships with other women or men and how much they help to define her or how certain persons have helped her to discover herself.  I think that a very strong concept I have learned about in my readings of different cultures and ways of life or spirituality is found in the information I have learned about the ancient Celtics and how they had somewhat of a mentoring type program for their young ladies.  Girls were encouraged to be strong in themselves and had the support of those around them to find ways to discover who they were and to show them how to be strong women.  Interesting how today girls are often left to figure this out on their own through college.  Clearly a few girls might be lucky and have some wonderfully influential persons in their lives that help them to see who they are and to help them develop this.  This is an awesome thing when it happens.  I am sure that many of the influential or strong women I listed above had people like this in their lives.  So whats my point, I know I tend to take a long time to get to my point sometimes. I think that in an effort to explore your own inner strength or rediscover if you know you had it at one point it is important to keep our eyes open and to see those people in our lives that can help us learn to have self love.  After all, we don't live in a bubble and there are wonderful people out there both men and women who know exactly who they are and what they believe and know about themselves.  So what I propose is that we keep our eyes open and learn,  ask questions, and study, study women that you feel are already in love with who they are, and how were these women able to get to that point, was it something internal was it an event or were they guided like the ancient Celtic women.  Let me know what you find out!  Oh by the way did you know that March is Womens History Month ( I think March has alot of issues packed into it), I had no idea that there was a womens history month.  Maybe I will use April to celebrate this on my blog since I just discovered this little tidbit.  So today I list the women I think of as influential and strong.  Maybe tomorrow I will have start talking specifically about the women and why I think of them as influential what in them makes me pick them over all the other people, what is it about those persons that makes me see them as strong and then perhaps I will look at some little known strong women.  Let me know what you think about that.  Looking at different strong women might help us to learn how to love ourself and in turn become strong influential people all our own.


Have Fun Learning about other Strong Women!