Another Realization!

Today I had therapy, and we discussed some pretty important stuff, which relates to my blog here so I am going to share with everyone a little bit about what we discussed and what I have decided as a result of our session.  Today we discussed how important it was to me before my injury to be healthy mind, body and spirit but it seems I have let go of that element since my injury as if it no longer matters.  But recently I went to the doctor because I had an insane resting heart rate well over 100 sometimes upwards of 120 which if you know nothing about what a resting heart rate should be just know that it should never ever be that high! Well of course since I have been hurt I have gained weight because as I said I gave up my mind, body and spirit connection because it felt like am impossible thing to maintain after I was injured so yes I have gained weight because of a combination of my letting go of my essentials that I liked to keep in my life, medications and of course the situation of being hurt and unable to exercise as I once did.  So my doctor tries to encourage weight lose as any doctor would but I at the time shrugged it off as of course I have gained weight and my sarcasm came into play saying internally to myself don't you think I know I am fat and that I should work on this I don't need to constantly be reminded of this. 


 My therapist suggested to me that my sarcasm about the issue seems to be more of myself putting myself down and/or criticism as well as me being extremely harsh and judgmental of myself instead of taking the stance that I once did of health and a connection between my mind, body and spirit. ( I promise I am going somewhere with all this explanation). My therapist asked me about my reluctance to eating more frequent smaller meals (because I used to do this it wasn't an easy thing for me to do but I worked hard at doing it, I was by no means perfect but I worked hard at it) and I discovered that my reluctance is rooted in a few things. The first was my judgement that because I was no longer working and making a difference I no longer deserved to be accepted as a person I think I viewed myself as subhuman and just not worth taking the time to put the energy into my push to have a mind, body, spirit connection, I mean after all, if you don't see purpose or even view yourself as a person then who cares what you look like or what happens to you right?  Apparently this is false, because as we have been learning we are still worthy women even if we have an earthquake that destroys your life as you know it, you/I are still humans who deserve even more so to now have gentleness and acceptance without judgement and a push to in my case a balance between the mind, body and spirit.  My second thing keeping me from eating as I should is I have adapted an off the wall schedule, I sleep late, stay up all night long and seem to never be able to achieve anything that I want to and this includes eating, I would eat maybe one time and by then of course my metabolism was in the trash can.  So I had created a horrible cycle of judging myself, and a schedule that absolutely did not allow any balance in any area of my life.  


In therapy today we also talked about the things in my life that I really want to work on right now.  For example, I love to create and I really want to get a website going to sell clothing that are created by my mother and myself and I would really love to have this be successful as I can't express how creating makes me feel, it seems to help with both filling my spirit with happiness and speaks to my mind in albeit different ways than being an Occupational Therapist does but the stimulation that my mind gets from creation is still phenomenal and always has room for research and more learning. I also have this blog which is important to me because I want to love myself for myself and not because of what I have achieved and this blog I really feel can help me and hopefully others to begin to explore this. I also have a couple other things that I am becoming passionate about and want to include them in my life in a healthy way that allows for my other endeavors, I would love to finish my children's book I am writing for my nephew and illustrate it, I want to write a book for therapist to help them understand what it is like being on the flip side and how the reactions of therapists can empower or derail a patients progress ( I have other things I want to include in this book or article but I really think I am in a unique position to make a difference for other therapists),  I also have started a blog that is for sewing and I want to be more dedicated to this.  


So all of these things are great its great that I am dreaming and that I have things that bring me joy in my life but if I don't make changes these things are never going to happen.  So I realized that when I did work I didn't really have a perfect balance going on in my life but I was able to work at it because my schedule allowed me to do so.  So I have decided that even though in the past I have pretty much told my therapist she is nuts that  I do not need structure in my life that I will do fine without it, but really that is just me allowing myself to hate myself and giving me an excuse to judge me.  So I have decided that my next step toward loving myself and creating a loving balance in my life is to have a schedule.  I am not fond of having a schedule buttttt I am going to make myself maybe even force myself to treat the things I want to do as a job.  So this means a drastic change in how I am approaching my day.  I know this is going to be hard for me but since I have learned or realized that creation whether that is sewing, beading or painting helps me to have a balance that helps me love myself I am willing to take  these steps.  No matter how painful they may be in the beginning.


Do you know what fuels you or what things help you create a balance in your life whether that is a mind, body , spirit connection or something else?  If you don't or haven't discovered something that fuels you and helps you to love you maybe now is the time to start experimenting with different things.  Pick something and force yourself to explore so that you find something that helps you begin to love yourself and helps you to take the judgement out your life view of who you are and moves you into a place of self love.  If you already know what fuels you than that is awesome as I said it is great to know what fuels you , but I imagine if you already know what is fueling for you, time never seems to allow for you do engage in this activity or whatever it might be, so I suggest that we all force ourselves to schedule time and make ourselves do what is fueling and creates an internal self love. This of course isn't the answer to self love but I think its a start.  Taking time to look at yourself and do for yourself is I think an important step.  So girls take out your schedules if you have one and if you don't then make one and pen in time to do whatever it is that fuels you or even explore new and different things each time.  Now my situation is unique as I have alot of time to explore all the different things I talked about above and I am sure most people don't have the same situation as I do but if you are in a place where you are unable to engage in activity as you did or are off work for some reason, then I suggest starting with a simple schedule DO NOT overwhelm yourself and create a feeling of hate toward an activity that is pleasing or loving.  For example I plan on starting with altering my sleep/wake schedule, and for now working on samples for the website I want to start. As I get used to it I will add new things in and will eventually be able to have all the things I want in my schedule but I think its important to realize we can't change a lifetime of negative learning and judgments by forcing something unachievable, that will just spur on more judgement and would defeat the purpose.  So I say have fun with this and let me know how it goes and maybe share with me the activities you explore I would love to try new things as time permits.




Have a Loving day and give ourself permission to not be perfect!