So I have been working on change and at the same time accepting myself for who I am in this moment. I have to admit I am finding this intensely hard! I have heard that a habit takes 21 days to become ingrained in us I have to say I think that is bunk really if it took 21 days I would be changed already. I must admit I don't entirely hate who I am. I have made progress I have been working on changing my continuous negative voice that I hear running through my head. This in my opinion is progress after all I would still be in a place of deep hate if I hadn't realized that I had this draining internal dialog going on. What is your internal dialogue sound like, what is it telling you? It is sort of embarrassing but I realized my internal negative dialogue during a moment of intimacy, I won't say anymore on that. But needless to say it made me realize that no matter the situation even one that should be pleasurable I had a little evil voice telling me I was nothing and that I was flawed.
Well I realize I am flawed that makes me who I am. Also I realize now that if I tell that dialogue to shut the hell up that I am worth something and I am a good person it in fact changes how I approach life. I have been working on making my schedule as I said in my last post although I am struggling with this who knew it was hard to have a schedule when you haven't had one in such a long time. But I want to share that I have accomplished some things, I have worked on my children's book I am writing for my nephew (even though secretly I think it is way to long for my younger nephew, it might be more appropriate for a little bit older age), I have worked on my book or article or series of articles that I have been wanting to write about my experience with my knee and my perspective of being a medical professional experiencing the field from the other side, I have also done some sewing I have sewn two rag dolls complete with dresses and hair ties, I have also mostly finished a reversible skirt that will be my first sample for the web site/business I eventually want to start.
My take home message is if you are working on learning to love yourself listen to your internal dialogue, hear it and challenge it if you discover that it is getting in your way! Also don't beat yourself up if you can't accomplish something take small steps of course sometimes we have deadlines but if your goals or things you are working on to improve yourself are just an organic thing then small steps are perfectly ok and let me just say don't judge the steps you do take, even a small step is important!
Another thought that just popped into my head remember my page of activities well I have decided how I plan on working out the painting I suggested painting. My painting I think will have no rhyme or reason it will be somewhat of a painting that if you remember Alice falling through the rabbit hole well that is sort of how I view my painting. It will be full of strange things put together in configurations that are a bit odd, I think this idea makes me feel pretty happy I think that this idea is full of potential and will create a great flow when I am painting. So even though I started working on the painting with a very structured idea I think I will change up my idea and as I am painting I will think of the scene of Alice falling down the rabbit hole. What do you all think about that idea!
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