Let me introduce myself and why I am beginning this blog. I am a survivor or thriver not sure which term seems more appropriate. I have survived many traumas and always thought I had made it through just a little bit wiser. Well recently I have learned that I in fact have this deep seeded hate for myself. See I have always felt that my worth is rooted in what I do in the impact I make and I put no thought into who I was nor did I feel that I as a person was worth a darn cent unless I was doing. So all my life I have ensured I was doing, pleasing others caring for others making sure that things go smoothly. I worked for years to get my bachelors and then my doctorate and then certificates for my doctorate. To three years ago be rendered unable to work and even sometimes I even had to ask for help for things I took for granted. How horrifying it was to be in this position to no longer be able to do what I once did, to go from 100 to zero overnight well in a split second actually. See what happened is I got hurt and in the past three years I have had six surgeries, and have been constantly in a state of healing/pain and am facing more.
So to the point of my blog, I came to the realization the other day that the reason I was struggling so much with my injury was that I did not love me unless I was doing. I put all my worth into my job or volunteer activity or being able to engage in group activities such as corporate cycling challenge and relay for life among a few. I realized that despite living through horrible tragedies in my past and years of therapy that I in fact did not know or even love myself just as me. And with the help of my therapist I came to understand that I had to find a way to love just me seperate from my doing. Sure its ok to find pride in what you do I mean who doesn't feel great when they do something awesome. But I guess I have just discovered that you can't define who you are by what you so. I can't say I am an occupational therapist, artist, volunteer, because to say this is only telling you what I do. So through this blog I will try and discover who am I really and how can we hold onto that and begin to love it. I call it it because I do not know what it is yet. Maybe we will learn together!
So my goal here is to explore this topic in depth perhaps I will help someone else. I can't imagine im alone in my lack of self love. Heck there are self help books full of pages that tell us to love ourself. But I don't really find that helpful. I intend to tackle this topic weekly as im sure that will be enough to digest weekly. I also intend to put up activities for self love and or things that just might feel good. Please feel free to make comments b/c I think that healing can occur through communication among people. We afterall do not live in a bubble. Also if you already have discovered this self love secret please feel free to share your story with me im sure the journey is different for us all but to know that someone does in fact love themself and not only what they do would be inspiring. I do want to state that mostly I will be stating my opinion and perhaps some information I have spoken with my therapist on (yes gasp im in therapy, and no I don't care what the world thinks about that) I might even do some research on a topic b/c I find research intriguing but I do not claim to be an expert on this topic nor do I intend to claim that this blog will be perfect. It is what it will be no criticism necessary on thoughts or punctuation if my research is askew feel free to let me know but I will attempt to make research when and if it occurs as accurate as possible.
Take care for now Just a women
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