Struggles

All I can say is OMG learning new ways is so hard!  I wish a magic wand existed to make the things I want to happen, happen.  I mean wouldn't it be wonderful if it wasn't hard to achieve the things that we perceive we want?  What makes it such a challenge to take the leap and force change? What is that hidden piece that stops us from moving on?  I don't have the answers to these questions yet, in fact I'm still working on them! I thought that maybe posting here that it was a struggle would make it more real and concrete.  Maybe I am not the only one who struggles with change.  Even when it seems like it should be easy.  I said that I needed to make a schedule for myself and so far I have been unsuccessful in this I have made steps though like I have painted and I have done some sewing I just haven't achieved these things how I imagine that I want them.  I know a schedule is good for me and I plan to explore what it is that is getting in my way.  I think I have some issues that are stuck inside and I haven't figured out yet, and for me I think that some of these issues have to do with my resistance to having to work within new limits.  I afterall, didn't have any limits before this injury.  I was free to do life as I wanted and had nothing getting in my way.  So I am sure this has something to do with it, but that can't be everything and how on earth do you jump over that hurdle I mean that isn't a small hurdle it is rather large to take in that you have to make concessions and do things differently or even in ways that you do not really want to.  So my work now includes learning what is getting in my way.  I will keep you posted on how things are going with this issue.  My painting from the activities page is in the works, and I have to work more on my schedule so I can achieve the things I want.  I have made the smallest start by acknowledging what it is I am doing right and trying not to judge what it is I am doing wrong. So hopefully things will pick up although I have to promise myself and you all that I will not judge myself harshly if I do not live up to my own expectations things will happen and I must allow them to unfold and not judge my progress.  I am ok as I am, things could be better and I can change but I am ok as I am.  I think that statement feels nonjudgmental maybe!

Well good luck to those of you who are in the process of working on change!  What changes are you working on I am open to dialog about this issue I think that healing and change for women can often occur with support doing it alone is hard.  That is part of the reason I started this blog to have a place women can share and get support and not struggle with learning self love by themself.  So if you have somethings you are working on please share and hopefully we can all learn together!

Cheers

Another Realization!

Today I had therapy, and we discussed some pretty important stuff, which relates to my blog here so I am going to share with everyone a little bit about what we discussed and what I have decided as a result of our session.  Today we discussed how important it was to me before my injury to be healthy mind, body and spirit but it seems I have let go of that element since my injury as if it no longer matters.  But recently I went to the doctor because I had an insane resting heart rate well over 100 sometimes upwards of 120 which if you know nothing about what a resting heart rate should be just know that it should never ever be that high! Well of course since I have been hurt I have gained weight because as I said I gave up my mind, body and spirit connection because it felt like am impossible thing to maintain after I was injured so yes I have gained weight because of a combination of my letting go of my essentials that I liked to keep in my life, medications and of course the situation of being hurt and unable to exercise as I once did.  So my doctor tries to encourage weight lose as any doctor would but I at the time shrugged it off as of course I have gained weight and my sarcasm came into play saying internally to myself don't you think I know I am fat and that I should work on this I don't need to constantly be reminded of this. 


 My therapist suggested to me that my sarcasm about the issue seems to be more of myself putting myself down and/or criticism as well as me being extremely harsh and judgmental of myself instead of taking the stance that I once did of health and a connection between my mind, body and spirit. ( I promise I am going somewhere with all this explanation). My therapist asked me about my reluctance to eating more frequent smaller meals (because I used to do this it wasn't an easy thing for me to do but I worked hard at doing it, I was by no means perfect but I worked hard at it) and I discovered that my reluctance is rooted in a few things. The first was my judgement that because I was no longer working and making a difference I no longer deserved to be accepted as a person I think I viewed myself as subhuman and just not worth taking the time to put the energy into my push to have a mind, body, spirit connection, I mean after all, if you don't see purpose or even view yourself as a person then who cares what you look like or what happens to you right?  Apparently this is false, because as we have been learning we are still worthy women even if we have an earthquake that destroys your life as you know it, you/I are still humans who deserve even more so to now have gentleness and acceptance without judgement and a push to in my case a balance between the mind, body and spirit.  My second thing keeping me from eating as I should is I have adapted an off the wall schedule, I sleep late, stay up all night long and seem to never be able to achieve anything that I want to and this includes eating, I would eat maybe one time and by then of course my metabolism was in the trash can.  So I had created a horrible cycle of judging myself, and a schedule that absolutely did not allow any balance in any area of my life.  


In therapy today we also talked about the things in my life that I really want to work on right now.  For example, I love to create and I really want to get a website going to sell clothing that are created by my mother and myself and I would really love to have this be successful as I can't express how creating makes me feel, it seems to help with both filling my spirit with happiness and speaks to my mind in albeit different ways than being an Occupational Therapist does but the stimulation that my mind gets from creation is still phenomenal and always has room for research and more learning. I also have this blog which is important to me because I want to love myself for myself and not because of what I have achieved and this blog I really feel can help me and hopefully others to begin to explore this. I also have a couple other things that I am becoming passionate about and want to include them in my life in a healthy way that allows for my other endeavors, I would love to finish my children's book I am writing for my nephew and illustrate it, I want to write a book for therapist to help them understand what it is like being on the flip side and how the reactions of therapists can empower or derail a patients progress ( I have other things I want to include in this book or article but I really think I am in a unique position to make a difference for other therapists),  I also have started a blog that is for sewing and I want to be more dedicated to this.  


So all of these things are great its great that I am dreaming and that I have things that bring me joy in my life but if I don't make changes these things are never going to happen.  So I realized that when I did work I didn't really have a perfect balance going on in my life but I was able to work at it because my schedule allowed me to do so.  So I have decided that even though in the past I have pretty much told my therapist she is nuts that  I do not need structure in my life that I will do fine without it, but really that is just me allowing myself to hate myself and giving me an excuse to judge me.  So I have decided that my next step toward loving myself and creating a loving balance in my life is to have a schedule.  I am not fond of having a schedule buttttt I am going to make myself maybe even force myself to treat the things I want to do as a job.  So this means a drastic change in how I am approaching my day.  I know this is going to be hard for me but since I have learned or realized that creation whether that is sewing, beading or painting helps me to have a balance that helps me love myself I am willing to take  these steps.  No matter how painful they may be in the beginning.


Do you know what fuels you or what things help you create a balance in your life whether that is a mind, body , spirit connection or something else?  If you don't or haven't discovered something that fuels you and helps you to love you maybe now is the time to start experimenting with different things.  Pick something and force yourself to explore so that you find something that helps you begin to love yourself and helps you to take the judgement out your life view of who you are and moves you into a place of self love.  If you already know what fuels you than that is awesome as I said it is great to know what fuels you , but I imagine if you already know what is fueling for you, time never seems to allow for you do engage in this activity or whatever it might be, so I suggest that we all force ourselves to schedule time and make ourselves do what is fueling and creates an internal self love. This of course isn't the answer to self love but I think its a start.  Taking time to look at yourself and do for yourself is I think an important step.  So girls take out your schedules if you have one and if you don't then make one and pen in time to do whatever it is that fuels you or even explore new and different things each time.  Now my situation is unique as I have alot of time to explore all the different things I talked about above and I am sure most people don't have the same situation as I do but if you are in a place where you are unable to engage in activity as you did or are off work for some reason, then I suggest starting with a simple schedule DO NOT overwhelm yourself and create a feeling of hate toward an activity that is pleasing or loving.  For example I plan on starting with altering my sleep/wake schedule, and for now working on samples for the website I want to start. As I get used to it I will add new things in and will eventually be able to have all the things I want in my schedule but I think its important to realize we can't change a lifetime of negative learning and judgments by forcing something unachievable, that will just spur on more judgement and would defeat the purpose.  So I say have fun with this and let me know how it goes and maybe share with me the activities you explore I would love to try new things as time permits.




Have a Loving day and give ourself permission to not be perfect!

What Makes for a Strong Woman?

I have been thinking about that question alot lately!  See in my list of how I view myself I added that I felt weak, not something I have really ever thought about myself.  I think that if you look at society what types of women do we think are strong, names that come to my mind are; Joan or arc, Jane Austen (for historical women), or even Mother Theresa, and Rosa Parks,  some modern women Mya Angelo,  Hilary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Opera Winfrey,  (I am a scientist by trade so) Marie Curie, I also find SARK to be a very strong woman, also Georgia O' Keefe.  What theme I notice between all of these women they are noted for what they did they are famous for doing but I wonder would Marie Curie have been so successful in her scientific work on radioactivity if she wasn't sure in who she was as a person.  I like to use SARK as an example I love her books she is a survivor and is constantly in her work reforming and discovering who she is, so even though she is firm in who she is she is completely open about her transformations and that her work is not what she is nor does it define her, she is always speaking of her relationships with other women or men and how much they help to define her or how certain persons have helped her to discover herself.  I think that a very strong concept I have learned about in my readings of different cultures and ways of life or spirituality is found in the information I have learned about the ancient Celtics and how they had somewhat of a mentoring type program for their young ladies.  Girls were encouraged to be strong in themselves and had the support of those around them to find ways to discover who they were and to show them how to be strong women.  Interesting how today girls are often left to figure this out on their own through college.  Clearly a few girls might be lucky and have some wonderfully influential persons in their lives that help them to see who they are and to help them develop this.  This is an awesome thing when it happens.  I am sure that many of the influential or strong women I listed above had people like this in their lives.  So whats my point, I know I tend to take a long time to get to my point sometimes. I think that in an effort to explore your own inner strength or rediscover if you know you had it at one point it is important to keep our eyes open and to see those people in our lives that can help us learn to have self love.  After all, we don't live in a bubble and there are wonderful people out there both men and women who know exactly who they are and what they believe and know about themselves.  So what I propose is that we keep our eyes open and learn,  ask questions, and study, study women that you feel are already in love with who they are, and how were these women able to get to that point, was it something internal was it an event or were they guided like the ancient Celtic women.  Let me know what you find out!  Oh by the way did you know that March is Womens History Month ( I think March has alot of issues packed into it), I had no idea that there was a womens history month.  Maybe I will use April to celebrate this on my blog since I just discovered this little tidbit.  So today I list the women I think of as influential and strong.  Maybe tomorrow I will have start talking specifically about the women and why I think of them as influential what in them makes me pick them over all the other people, what is it about those persons that makes me see them as strong and then perhaps I will look at some little known strong women.  Let me know what you think about that.  Looking at different strong women might help us to learn how to love ourself and in turn become strong influential people all our own.


Have Fun Learning about other Strong Women!